Hello blogoshpere!
It has been so long since I posted that I had forgotten what my password and email combo were. How daft right?I have now got them written safely down so they can't be forgotten.
At least until I forgot where I have left my note, which I hid so that it's safe from prying eyes, and ends up being so bloody safe I lose it myself.
The reason for my very long absence, and essentially giving up on my 365 day Telethon Challenge is due a hideously bad break up. My partner and I had been together for nearly 3 years and unfortunately "partner" is a bit generous as that would imply things were somewhat equal. However this was not the case.
He lost his job and we lost a couple of mutual friends at the same time in a tangled, complicated mess. A year after this he still didn't have work and so things which had already been strained between us was made worse by arguments about money (or lack there of) and talk of loans.
My low income barely scraped us through with rent, both our phone bills, groceries and savings. He would hide phone bills from me and then expect for me to take care of them. One of these bills was over $1000 which I will never see again despite the fact that it would be very helpful to me right now in putting together a bond deposit, or for driving lessons and savings for a car.
Finally I had enough and broke up with him. For the first week or so things were awkward between us but he was behaving respectfully- or so I thought. Turned out he had been exchanging dirty picture messages with a "best friend" of mine who he and I had been living with at the time. He may or may not have also slept with this woman's sister in law. But because the three of them were all lying to me about it I felt like I could't trust any of them.
I was in a really dark place. After the breakup I was isolated from my friends as he and I had been in the same circle of friends as well as two volunteer groups. He spread lies to our friends about me and things that I had said and tried to turn them against me. And for a while it worked. That is until he became too cocky for his own good and got himself caught up in two different lies about one event and where he was living to two different friends, who then started comparing thoughts and notes and started asking me questions. Luckily they had enough faith to do that and I was able to have a chance to straighten things out with them both.
Before this happened however I had decided that I would go to Soundwave on my own (this was two weeks after the break up and having my friends ignore my messages in this time) which was an extremely bad idea for the mind set that I was in. Everything that seemed to go wrong did so gleefully. I got lost for hours at a time, late at night, alone in the back streets of Melbourne for both nights I was there. The only great thing about Soundwave itself is that I got to meet and get my picture taken with Ariel and Shawn from Icon For Hire and that I got some henna tattoos that I really liked. I had seriously considered just jumping off the bridge next to Flinders Street Station and being done with it all, ending the pain but I had a friend say how he couldn't let me do that and talked me down. At the time I was frustrated and pissed off at him for making me promise to get sleep, get up, have food and not harm myself.
Now a few months later and being able to look back on it I can recognise that I went through my own personal hell at the start of this year. I let go of things that I hadn't even realised were holding me back. I lost friends and worse I found that in that toxic relationship I had lost myself, who I was and what I stood for. That journey back to loving myself as who I am and working out what it is that I stand for will take a while but I am enjoying the process. Most importantly I know I am not alone. I have loving family and true friends around me and I have my new found strength in myself.
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